originally written around 2-27-15 I hesitated to publish it, but life has changed again and although it wasn’t one of my better times, I am choosing to begin writing again (now that I don’t feel so whiney) and it’s only fair to include this one….
I love animals. Absolutely love them. And I am not in a place to have one right now. I will be.
There is a dog downstairs, outside my back door. He belongs to the people that own the house next door. He looks like he is mostly German shepherd, unfixed. He gets fed, and I’m sure there is water there. He is chained, just the right length that he won’t fall over the edge of the retaining wall to our side. He barks a lot. He is restless. I have not seen anyone pet him. Yesterday, one of the younger girls got close, but when he stretched his nose to her, she turned away. And he barked.
I’ve talked to one of the students that lives there about the dog. He said they let one student that lived there in the past walk it occasionally. I’d love to do that, but I had to let go of a dog to be here and I don’t want the pain of giving to that dog to leave it. I don’t know how long we will be in this place. We have been looking for another one, but haven’t agreed on anything.
I relate to that dog. I often stand at the bar on our balcony door looking out. I have no friends here. My daughter would say it is my own fault, but the students here are young and focused on their studies. The few spouses are young and focused. The locals are used to us but not with interacting with us.
I ask questions of the locals. Mainly to learn, like what to do with the very green bananas, but to connect too. There was one woman who lives here that seemed, to my daughter who met her, to be thrilled at the prospect of having a friend. I’ve emailed her twice. She responded the first time about being busy and a new momma goat that wasn’t dealing with her twins and they were having to be fed often. I wrote back that I would be happy to help, (Animals!), but didn’t hear anything back. Like the dog, almost touched.
I have occasional times of deep pain. Not finding my way. Trapped in this beautiful island. Not supposed to go far alone. Not to go out at night, either not alone or due to the mosquitoes.
I have opportunity for deep healing and great reflection. I know to not stop the process, but to hold to faith that it can be the journey to greater expression of life, and joyful living. One thing I know, the last time I did something grand, that was my path to choose and do, was when I followed a very clear Voice. I thought I was following that voice when I changed paths, but couldn’t seem to find my way after that. I am remembering those times of feeling free and full.
So now, I make art to remind me of who I am, what I need to do and to ask for the guidance from that Voice. And when the pain comes, I let it. I feel into it and ask what I need to do. It passes and I hope it has been allowed to be healed a bit more in my willingness to sit with it, and the Guidance has more room to be in me and work through me.